So recently I was scanning through your past year’s picture. And it is then I realized how you are all grown up. It doesn’t seem very long ago I googled a million pages because you had just swallowed a teeny weeny piece of a kiwi(yes people I am that crazy!) or the time when I refused to take you to this pediatrician because she didn’t smile at you, the time when I cried because you had just puked out milk.(In my defense I knew nothing about spitting up then) or when I almost tore off your daddy’s shirt for I thought he had not effectively conveyed to my gynecologist the extreme (labor)pain I was in. That all seems a hazy memory now(literally!)
It would be two years now, two years of having you in my life. A few days back I woke up from a dream and I got all restless and just couldn’t go back to sleep for an hour. Nightmare? Not exactly! I dreamt of getting pregnant and going into labor again. That is how scared I am of having another baby. No I am not scared of the labor pain or the responsibility that would come with it (okay that too, who am I kidding?) but I fear that I might not have an easy and wonderful kid like you. YOU my child have been a pleasure to have right from the time I conceived you.
I have heard people talk about how their baby had fought all odds and been born and therefore is a miracle baby. But I have always thought that in such cases the parents are the real heroes who have a rock solid strength to have an unfailing hope. I on the other hand, am not. And boy you understood that. And I knew you understood that from the time I saw your heart(or rather tiny you beating). I cried. And I cried every month when I saw you on screen. You have never given me a reason to worry, You had been a one push child. Yes one push and you were out and you still maintain your easygoing ways.
Even today, I feel guilty for that one moment and I know I owe you an explanation. For 32 weeks we were told that we were to have a baby girl. We weaved our life around pink. pink booties, pink mittens and pink dreams. And then just like that the Sonographer said
“He is doing fine!”
“you mean she!” I giggled still not suspecting anything but just an error of Pronoun.
” No, I mean the baby is a He, you know right?”
And just like that entered scrotum in our pinky dreams.
I cried for the unfairness of all, for the cute pink rompers I bought, for the songs i made keeping in mind a pretty little girl, for the name I had decide on. But let me put it this way, I did NOT cry because I was having you, I was crying because I was not having what I thought I would. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, because the moment i held you, I knew I had not wanted anyone or anything more than you. You were the one I always dreamt of. You always were my dream, they just took a little detour.
The moment I had you I knew my life changed from that moment on.
I miss watching back to back episodes of my favorite sitcoms.
I miss my days of clutches,
I miss my beauty sleep. Actually I miss any kind of sleep. Its getting much better now but there was a time I had started to resemble a zombie.
I miss trying and fitting into XS.
But then what would i be without you?
A crazy lady with toned belly watching back to back episodes of a random show.